Following the amazing recent success of the extraordinary theatre company Punchdrunk, I am applying to the Arts Council and various corporate sponsors for a couple of million pounds. This will pay for 100 skilled craftspeople to create an enormous, magical wood in a huge abandoned warehouse.
No expense will be spared in crafting perfect autumn leaves, moss and ancient oak trees, all bathed in a haze of perpetual moonlight.
During the performances, lucky participants will be invited to explore the amazing forest world before a live grizzly bear is released into space. Following one of history’s most famous stage directions to its logical creative conclusion, participants will quickly attempt to exit the building.
Anyone who succeeds in avoiding being mauled and eaten by the bear (a former student of Sanford Meisner at the Neighbourhood Playhouse) will win a luxury weekend break with an erotic marble statue of his/her choice.
Tickets will be auctioned at ludicrous prices to discerning buyers in secret and glamorous locations.